


at your best (you are love)

by movingforthesakeofmotion



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, okay it's fluffy but it's also angsty? but mostly fluff!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 08:32:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8394634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movingforthesakeofmotion/pseuds/movingforthesakeofmotion
Summary: Erin's always soldiered on through the bullshit that life has thrown at her.But eventually, another obstacle just becomes one too many.Everyone's allowed to break down every once in a while.But everyone's also allowed to have that one person who promises to pick them up every time.Otherwise known as Erin breaks down and Holtzmann's right there to pick up the pieces.





	

**Author's Note:**

> daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn girl, back at it again with the one shots of fluff! yeah sue me, i'm fluffier than a duck and these two are the purest ducks of them all, and I am, in other words, fluffing them.

Erin Gilbert has dealt with a lot of shit in her life.

She dealt with a ghost haunting her at the foot of her bed every night for a year when she was just a young girl.

She dealt with her parents not believing her. She dealt with them throwing her at a psychiatrist for evaluation. She dealt with them considering electro shock therapy. She dealt with them calling her crazy.

She dealt with changing her entire personality and her entire life to suit the ones around her. She dealt with the bigots at Columbia firing her for finally embracing who she was.

She dealt with losing her boyfriend because he thought she was crazy.

She dealt with falling down a goddamn fucking vortex to save her best friend.

She’s pretty sure anyone else at this point would’ve stopped. Ended it. Just quit.

But she soldiers on. She puts on a brave face and throws herself into life with optimism and strength.

Until now.

She comes home after a particularly nasty day of ghostbusting (which resulted in her being slimed for the 800th time), finds the letter on the floor, slightly crumpled and torn from what Erin thinks is it being shoved through the slit at the bottom of the door, sees the familiar hand writing, and falls to her knees.

She hasn’t opened it yet and she’s already crying. 

Her fingers brush across the top of it, over the ink that forms her name, knowing the hand that’s brushed across it, and she can feel her lungs beginning to lose air and tighten, and she opens the letter with shaking hands.

She reads it, once, twice, three times, then tears it to pieces and throws the pieces around the apartment, screaming as she does.

She isn’t sure how long she stays on the ground, curled up on her side, but it must be incredibly fucking long because before she knows it, the sun is rising and filtering through the curtains and she stands, almost robotic as she barely acknowledges the fact that she hasn't changed her clothes, hasn't showered, but still exits the door and makes her way to the firehouse in a daze.

When she arrives, she doesn’t answer Abby’s grin and call of “Good Morning”, ignores Holtzmann rolling toward her on rollerblades as she carries a blowtorch in her hands (“Holtzy, that’s not safe!” “I live my life in the dangerous lane, Abs, you know this!”), ignores the frown as Holtzmann asks her why she's in the same clothes as yesterday and heads straight for the bathroom and locks herself in.

She tries to stop the tears, because she knows that will worry the others, so she decides that having her breakdown in here will save her from the concerned looks and the questions of worry. 

“Erin, you okay?”

It’s Abby’s voice on the other side, and Erin swallows the lump in her throat and tries her best to make her voice as neutral as possible. 

“Yeah, fine, just really needed to pee.” 

“…Okay.” She hears Abby leave and allows a sob to escape her chest before she rests her head against her knees, takes a few deep breaths in and grits her teeth.

“Get a grip. Get up.” She hisses at herself. This is what she does, this is nothing, she can ignore the tiny fissures cracking into her heart, she can do this-

More knocking at the door.

“Hey Erin, I know you’re peeing, but you gotta let me in before my hands burn off, I may have spilled acid on them.” 

Holtzmann.

Erin panics a little before standing and checking herself in the mirror.

Her eyes are red and her face is covered in tears.

Brilliant.

She wipes them away quickly and opens the door, staring down at the ground to avoid Holtzmann’s gaze as Holtzmann rushes in and closes the door before she can exit.

“What’s going on?” Holtzmann says urgently.

Erin’s head snaps up and she sees Holtzmann’s hands are covered in her leather gloves and they’re perfectly fine.

She lied.

_Damn her and her brilliant mind._

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” 

"I'm fine, Holtz."

"Erin, I haven't known you for long, I know, only four months, but I know when you're upset and you are beyond that, even." Erin shakes her head, tears threatening to spill once more.

She can’t break down.

Not in front of Holtzmann.

“Hey…” She feels cold fingers touch her chin and lift her gaze and her eyes meet Holtzmann’s electric blue ones, filled with concern and intrigue and wonder as she looks over Erin’s face and frowns.

“Look I know I tend to joke around and be a complete and utter madwoman, but I’ve got a soft side.” Erin can’t help but chuckle and Holtzmann’s eyes widen.

“I do! Look, what I’m trying to say is…if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you.” Her hand touches Erin’s shoulder before gliding down and Erin takes a deep breath in before nodding.

"Okay." Holtzmann waits. Erin hesitates.

“Can…I-no, I just-.”

“Erin, it’s okay.” Erin can feel her bottom lip trembling, and Holtzmann takes a step forward before Erin throws caution to the wind and wraps her arms around Holtzmann’s neck, burying her head into her shoulder. She bites down on her lip to stop it from shaking, tears falling onto Holtzmann’s crop top (dark red today) and Holtzmann is rubbing small circles into her lower back, whispering nonsensical words into Erin’s ear.

Every part of her brain is screaming at her to stop this, to pick herself up like she always does and to stop being an idiot, but god, her heart is pounding and aching and just feeling someone holding her with so much care is breaking her and healing her all at the same time-

“Erin, what is it?” She whispers. Erin pulls back and rests her forehead against Holtzmann’s and she can feel Holtzmann suck in a breath.

_Pull back, stop this!_

“I’m sorry.” Erin pulls away, knowing full well that she shouldn’t be leading Holtzmann on with moves like that, especially considering she knows that Holtzmann is very much attracted to women and as told her (on more than one occasion) that she is very much attracted to Erin, but she just needs to be comforted…

“No, it’s okay, just…what’s wrong?” Erin doesn’t answer. Holtzmann sighs and interlaces their fingers.

“Come on.” She mutters, before opening the door and dragging Erin up two flights of stairs and onto the roof. 

The cool air and sunshine hit her and she winces, throwing an arm to cover her eyes as Holtzmann leads her over to the corner where the chimney next door gives them shade and they both sit down against the brick wall of the ledge. Holtzmann keeps their hands locked as she drags Erin down beside her and Erin lets out a deep breath before looking at her.

“I got home last night and I found a letter.” She blurts out, and she knows there's no going back now as Holtzmann doesn’t say anything, simply watches her and Erin swallows the lump in her throat before continuing.

It was from my mom. She uh...the letter basically said that her and dad have decided to cease contact with me because they can no longer “encourage my belief in ghosts”, and want me to “come back to them when I decide to grow up”, essentially.” 

Holtzmann still says nothing, but her grip on Erin’s hand tightens.

“They disowned me, pretty much. So now I’m just Erin. No Gilbert, just Erin. Like Cher. Or Madonna.” She laughs, and it quickly turns into sobbing as she breaks contact with Holtzmann’s hand and buries her face in her hands, the fissures in her heart spreading because fuck, she's just lost her parents, her family, and even though she barely talks to them, it still fucking hurts-

Holtzmann still says nothing, but hooks an arm under Erin’s raised knees and drags her until she’s in Holtzmann’s lap.

“Shhh...” She whispers, her fingers rubbing circles into her lower back again and Erin finds her head resting against Holtzmann’s shoulder, the tears falling as she looks up at the creamy color of Holtzmann’s skin, sees the way her pulse throbs in her neck. 

“It’s not-not even the disowning-that hurts-it’s...it’s the fact that she couldn’t-even say it-to my face! She had to-put it in a fucking-letter and shove it-under the fucking door!” Erin chokes out in between sobs, and Holtzmann’s cheek is resting against her forehead as she rocks her back and forth gently. 

They’re silent for a while, Erin simply crying, willing her heart to just stop aching for ten seconds until Holtzmann suddenly stops rocking her and simply holds her, cold fingers touching the exposed skin of her body as she sighs.

“I’ve been waiting for this, you know?” Erin's breath hitches.

“For what?”

“Your breakdown. You know, I don’t know everything about you yet, Erin, but the stuff I do know...you’ve been through a lot of shit. And yet you come here every day and you just...you keep going. And now your whole life has just been completely fucked and your first instinct was to run to the bathroom so no one could see you cry. You’re...fuck, you’re so strong, Erin. I don’t get how you do it.” 

Erin’s fingers curl into Holtzmann’s shirt and she pulls herself closer against Holtzmann, who leans back against the wall and presses a gentle kiss to Erin’s head.

“You know you can be weak around me. I won’t judge you, or tell you to be strong. I’ll just do whatever you need me to do.” She whispers. Erin looks up at her and Holtzmann smiles gently, her fingers brushing against Erin’s cheek.

“It’s okay to break down every once in a while.”

“I’ve never seen you break down.” 

“I haven’t had a lot of reason to, lately. My life is pretty good.”

“Lucky you.” Holtzmann chuckles and bumps Erin’s forehead with her own.

“You do get what I’m saying though, right?” Erin sniffs and nods.

“Yeah I know. Thanks.” Holtzmann simply smiles, and Erin tightens her hold on Holtzmann’s shirt and looks at her.

“Seriously. Thank you.” Holtzmann’s lips suddenly purse and Erin can see a look of...what? Lust? Desire? Passion? Empathy? She can’t place it, but it causes her to tug on Holtzmann’s shirt, bringing her closer until their lips collide. 

Erin can practically feel the fireworks exploding in her head, along with the yelling and the screaming that this is not what she should be doing, and that this is bad and she needs to stop now, stop it, stop kissing Holtzmann-

Holtzmann deepens the kiss, her wrapping around Erin’s body and pulling her up so she’s straddling Holtzmann’s lap, and Erin’s fingers wrap in Holtzmann’s already frazzled hair, her tongue gliding across Holtzmann’s lower lip, eliciting a moan from the engineer as her hands wrap around Erin’s thighs and pull her closer.

_You need to stop, what are you doing-_

“Stop.” 

It’s Holtzmann that pulls away, her forehead resting against Erin’s as they both try to catch their breath and Erin shakes her head, her mind spinning and her heart pounding-

“I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry-.”

“No, that was my fault-.”

“No, I’m sad and I’m stupid and I’m looking for comfort and I shouldn’t be leading you on like that, I’m sorry, Holtzmann.” Erin climbs off her lap and sits down beside her, about ready to throw herself over the edge of this balcony because great, one more thing that’s turned to shit-

“It’s okay, Erin. Really.” Erin looks at her to see she’s smiling, genuinely smiling as she reaches out and brushes her lips against Erin’s temple.

“I-.”

“Don’t be sorry. I enjoyed that. I enjoy kissing any girls, really.” She chuckles, and Erin can feel herself turning bright red as Holtzmann grips her hand and squeezes it.

“I’m here for you, okay? Your parents might’ve disowned you but we’re your family at the end of the day. Fuck them, you don’t need them, you’ve got us.” Erin looks at her and she smiles encouragingly.

“If...” Erin clears her throat, her heart racing as she swallows the hesitation down and looks up at Holtzmann through her eyelashes.

_Fuck it._

“If I ever need comforting...”

“I’m there. Just say the word.” Holtzmann says, puffing her chest out.

“Anything I need?”

“Anything you need.” Erin bites her lip, hesitates again and Holtzmann’s head cocks to the side before her eyes widen and her mouth opens in shock.

“Oh, you mean...” Erin groans and throws her face into her hands again.

She seriously fucking hates herself right now.

“No, no, no, don’t be upset! I just...are you sure?” She asks. Erin looks up at her.

"No. I mean, maybe just cuddling? Or...what am I asking, what am I doing, I’m a mess-.”

“You are a mess, but Erin, like Cher and Madonna, you are an icon and I adore you. As a friend, as a friend with benefits, as more than a friend, in whatever capacity you need me.” Erin can’t help but smile, and wonder how on Earth she got so lucky to have a friend who loves as much as Jillian fucking Holtzmann does.

Sure, she's strange, and weird, and introverted and just downright insane, but Erin seriously can't imagine life without her.

It's love, and it may or may not be romantic, but it's there, and that's all Erin needs to be honest.

Holtzmann grins before standing and holding her hands out for Erin to take, which she does. She helps Erin up and Erin keeps their hands intertwined.

“Can we...”

“Mmm?” Erin sighs and looks at Holtzmann, who simply observes her.

“There’s a bed downstairs...”

“There is a bed downstairs.” Holtzmann says, nodding. Erin bites her lip and Holtzmann’s eyes widen again.

“What, right now?”

“No, no, not that, I just...I didn’t sleep at all last night, and I’m exhausted and I could really use someone by my side-.” Holtzmann’s face of shock turns to a grin and she nods.

“Say no more. I am officially your cuddle buddy, if you would come this way, Dr. Erin.”

“Dr. Erin?”

“Yeah, like Dr. Madonna, or Dr. Cher.”

“They’re not doctors.”

“No, but they’re icons of pop, it’s the same thing.” Erin rolls her eyes as Holtzmann leads her down the stairs to the second floor and to the corner of her lab, where there’s another room which holds a bed for the nights where one of them (mostly Holtzmann) decides to stay instead of heading home. 

Holtzmann jumps onto the bed and pats the space beside her and Erin chuckles before laying down on her side, and Holtzmann wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her in close, her other hand coming out from under Erin’s neck to lay there. Erin grabs the hand at her neck and intertwines their fingers as Holtzmann’s other hand moves under her shirt slightly to trace circles onto her bare stomach. Erin’s breath hitches and Holtzmann’s fingers freeze.

“Sorry, is that overstepping boundaries?” Erin can feel the goosebumps erupting over her skin and she shakes her head.

“No, no, I...I like it.” Holtzmann chuckles, her breath hitting the back of Erin’s neck, which causes her to shiver as Holtzmann’s fingers continue tracing circles onto her stomach.

Erin simply hums and closes her eyes, content to stay here forever, really, and she hears Holtzmann singing a tune under her breath and Erin’s never realized how good Holtzmann’s voice is as she drifts off to sleep, her mind clear of all her worries, simply content with the moment she’s living right now, but she can’t help but grin in her sleep at the thought of what her parents would think if they knew she had just kissed a woman and was currently cuddling with her on a bed.

_They’d more than disown me, they’d kill me._

But like Holtzmann said, fuck them.

She’s got a family right here. Who won’t judge her, who are there for her, who support her no matter what. Who love her, unconditionally.

And she truly couldn’t be happier.


End file.
